Struggling with this life God has put forth!!!

This morning as I am reading a Karen Kingsbury Book, "Take Three" I begin to realize life has not turned out the way I had always dreamed it would. Sure I have a wonderful husband who always provides, a wonderful house, clothes on my back, food in the pantry, covers to cover up with at night, and the list can go on and on!!! But for what? I had dreamed my entire life I would go to college, finish, and be a teacher. Well that did not happen. Yeah sure I went twice and quit twice!! I thought well I always love doing hair, so lets do that. Did it loved it and let some stupid imature girls ruin yet another dream!!! Thats all this life of mine has been, A DREAM!!! Loved my job, then got run off by those stupid girls. Yep my fault too!!! I should have stuck it out and then all these regrets would probably not be here. Then yet again there would be some other stupid regret to worry about. So today I ask my self, "What are you doing?" Get off this couch, do the laundry, clean the kitchen, put away the blankets, vacuum, clean the bathroom. But for some reason, I just sit and pray and cry and pray and cry some more. My husband is working while I am sitting on this couch enjoying a cool rainy day. Yes he keeps telling me I really need to get a job. You don't think I Know that? The more and more he tells me the more and more I don't want to. The more and more I resent myself for not finishing school, for wasting all that money that my parents paid and that my now husband is paying!!!! Yeah I know I clean and cook and do the laundry but for some reason that is not enough. Yeah sometimes I sub but its not even minimum wage!!!! I applied at Hobby Lobby this past week and when I told Marcus he did not say oh great. Instead he said thats too far to drive for a minimum wage job. Well guess what honey, its about all there is right now and I think I might actually enjoy it. And because I did not finish school nor stick with my hair doing days, I have to rely on a crappy minimum wage job. So I ask God,"Why do I not want a job, Why do I feel so down lately about this life I am leading?" And no answer yet. And "Why do I not enjoy the church we go to?" every Sunday and Wednesday its I don't really feel like going, but I go anyway because truthfully I do not want to hear Marcus lecture me about going. And everytime I tell him I do not like it there he asks me why and every time I tell him why, and I want to visit other churchs but NO he does not really want to. I feel so stuck in a town I hate, a church I do not enjoy and no friends to talk to around here. Marcus tells me that I will never have the friends like Anne where I can talk to about anything in this town that we live in. Its not like college he said you just don't get close to people as you get older. That is so different than what I thought about growing up. I thought this is the time where you make lasting friendships. Friends that your kids can grow up with. Friends that you can rely on through the darkest moments in ones life. So am I wrong, because its not turning out that way. Honestly I feel as though I am falling farther and farther away from God and this Christian life that I am suppose to be leading. Marcus and I never pray together, we rarely just sit and talk. We always have the TV on, or he is flying helicopters, playing basketball, or we are just both on the computer. I feel as though all I do is cook, clean, and do laundry and pick up after him. This is not the marriage I had dreamed of. And NO I did not dream that it would be happy all the time, But I did dream that if there was clothes to be folded he would help without me asking, or if their were dirty dishes he would help. But that is not reality I have come to see that now. Guys do not think that way do they? Mine sure does not. I just feel so much tension right now and we have not even been married a year.

Our 1 year is upon us and I feel like it is not important to him. I thought maybe we would just do something special he and I, and he plan something nice, not too expensive but when I bring it up, he just says when you get a job. Marriage is not suppose to be like that is it? I feel so lost. It's like I do not even know who I am anymore, who he is anymore. God I need help finding our way back to you first then to each other. But How do I do that. I don't know how. I am not a good communicator you know that, Marcus knows that, But I just am at a loss of where to begin. If I get a job will that change things? I doubt it, the problem is deeper than that. So Help me show me your guidance in this. Place something in my life to get back on track. If you are reading this, don't judge me, don't think that I am crazy. Just please if you pray, pray, if you could just keep it to your self. If you want to tell your husbands or wives then just say that WE need our prayers and leave it at that. Don't bring it up to other people who do not know me. DON'T GOSSIP !!

PRAYERS NEEDED Been a very hard day today for me